Disclaimer: whilst this story is based on real events, certain aspects are added for humour and creativity.
Thursday 1 May 2014 – Turangi, New Zealand.
5.00am – in my
tent ice house
Woken up by icicles biting my face off.
Am buried in sleeping bag wearing three jumpers, three t-shirts, a pair of thermal leggings and a pair of trousers. Am still freezing.
Now cursing lady in hiking store for convincing me that a minus degree sleeping bag wasn’t necessary. As an outdoors expert hailing from Europe she evidently took one look at my bingo wings and decided that I couldn’t carry the extra weight:
Discrimination against the unhealthy is an ongoing problem that I face in the hiking world.
Either that or the lady had no clue about New Zealand winter time.
I haven’t decided which.
Thinking wistfully of days gone by when I slept in dorm rooms surrounded by snoring sweaty backpackers.
Have a big hike today so must get some rest before I have to get up at the arse crack of dawn (5.30am).
The cold has made my nose run. Have got snot all over sleeping bag in my sleep.
This is why I am still single.
Desperately need to pee but cannot face concept of moving. Think my toes have possibly fallen off inside the three pairs of hiking socks I am wearing.
I really should go and pee. Whilst snot on the sleeping bag is excusable, piss in its depths just simply is not.
The urge to pee did not make it to the campsite toilets. Made it as far as the nearest tree before my bladder almost burst.
Thank fuck for winter’s lack of early morning sunshine. I am sure the tree will now flourish nicely.
Have somehow made my way to the campsite’s kitchen and am preparing nutritious breakfast of peanut butter on two cereal bars.
I take my hiking preparation very seriously:
I choose peanut butter for its high protein content. Not because I found it on the “free” shelf at the last hostel…obviously.
Must will myself to get out of layers and into hiking gear. Cannot shower as don’t have the time and am worried that certain parts of my body will freeze if exposed to such extreme temperatures.
Whilst un-used, I like my vagina the way it is.